1. Olive Leaf & Oud aka Salad Dressing

This candle smells like olive oil in the salad my mom has every day. It thinks it’s fancy, but it just smells confused. Why does it smell like a kitchen and a library at the same time? The word “oud” feels fake, as if it were invented specifically for this candle. Lighting this candle makes your room smell like a dirty, dirty martini, and no one wants their room to smell like this.

2. Green Oak & Moss Aka Wet Swamp Tree

This candle smells like the swamp behind our school after it rains.

It feels damp, earthy, and not at all cozy. Why does it smell like a baseball field after it went through Florida’s bipolar weather? No one wants their room to smell like the outside. This candle would wear boots to class. 

3. Ashwood & Palo Santo aka Fake Calm Energy

This candle smells like when someone tells you to calm down. It’s super smoky but not in a good way. Lighting it feels like you signed up for pilates by mistake. Why does it smell like burnt wood and vibes? It makes the room feel quiet in a weird way. This candle judges your phone use.

4. Leather & Ember, aka the Inside of a Cowboy’s Hat

This candle smells like the cowboy hat of the boy who just came from a campfire. It’s way, way too strong, which makes it scary. It makes your room smell like a cabin you would probably never want to set foot in. If this candle talked, it would say howdy in every sentence.

5. Midnight Summer Aka 6th Grade Winter Dance

This candle smells like the boy who wears way too much cologne. You light it, and your whole house has been taken over. It smells super blue and loud Kids Pop that would play at our middle school dances. Why is it so strong? It feels like a guy named Chad is nearby. This candle needs to chill.