As a citizen of the United States, you are granted an immutable list of rights and privileges. However, by the odd chance you are born female, you also involuntarily agree to such arbitrary standards created by outdated (and outsmarted) traditions. 

Luckily, you’ve stumbled upon the perfect step-by-step guide to ensuring that your time in this day and age as a woman is as care-free, safe, and non-discriminatory as possible. 

Thank goodness for bright pink shaving cream. 

Always be friendly to everyone.

Manners first, right? 

Picture this: it’s a perfect, sunny day. The sky is blue and the temperature is just above 70 degrees. You pop in your earbuds as you walk down the sidewalk past the old hotel your family used to depend on for anything from weddings, to baby showers, to pool parties. Underneath your Justin Bieber playlist or any other hyperfeminine obsession, you hear a faint yell. You shake it off, as it was probably just part of the song. You continue on with your path. As the song fades out, you hear another voice. You look behind you, and look at that! It’s just your usual bar-hopping low-life to gawk at you on your morning stroll. Typically, you’d turn around with a diminishing glare, or if you’re feeling particularly bold, call them out.

 But as a lady, that’s just unacceptable. In situations like this, make sure to give the nuisance your prettiest smile, or even a little wink. Whatever you do, never let them take the responsibility for being an inconsiderate piece of garbage. 

Never “ask for it.”

As a proper lady, it is critical to pay close attention to the way you present yourself. Avoid dressing in any colors other than white, pink, or a very particular shade of purple. Dressing in other more “manly” colors not only washes out your complexion that you’ve slathered anti-aging serum on to achieve but engaging in such unfeminine ways completely discards your appeal to other audiences. Dressing modestly is another great idea when it comes to fashion. ‘Womanizer Today’ suggests dressing in 3 to 8 layers to ensure that all areas besides your head, hands, and feet are completely concealed. You wouldn’t want to provoke any impious thoughts, would you? 

Expect online harassment.

This is a pure example of “think before you act.” Were you seriously going to upload a photo of you and your friends tanning at the beach to your public account with over 200 followers? At this point, you must be begging for attention. Don’t get upset when @ilovemycar20092 makes backhanded compliments in the comments. As a woman, harassment via social media comes with the territory. Next time, revert back to your kissy face poses with a Starbucks Pink Drink in hand. 

Violence is never the answer.

Let’s say you are walking out of the grocery store late at night, and an ominous figure approaches behind you. Do you really believe that your $10 Amazon pepper spray will protect you against a late-night attacker? Carrying around clunky personal defense keychains is not only inconvenient but completely unnecessary. Statistics provided by ‘Now.org’ show that over 232,000 women are sexually assaulted on the streets each year. That’s only 600 women a day.

 Also, it’s not like the crime rate towards women in the United States has increased by 34% since the year 2000. If you feel the need to resort to such violent and unladylike methods to ensure your personal safety, why even go outside at night? What gracious purpose could there possibly be in lurking the streets past 7 PM?

Make sure to never voice your opinion.

If there is one thing more annoying than when the McDonalds’ ice cream machine is “broken,” it would be a woman who speaks up about her issues with others. Don’t you have a group chat for that? Gosh, I’m sure it really is annoying when everyone else drowns you out when you stand up for yourself, but can’t that wait till later when all the guys are at game night? Besides, voicing your beliefs about something you’re passionate about when nobody asks is simply careless. You don’t want to seem catty, do you? 

Fair healthcare assistance? Never heard of it.

The most important step comes last. 

In the completely unheard-of situation where you find yourself in need of feminine products, consultation, or contraception methods, don’t you worry. Luckily the healthcare system here in America is fully equipped with resources to provide you with the safest options for any health-related issue, unless you currently reside in 8 out of 50 states including Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, and as of September 1st, Texas. If you live in any of the other 42 states, no need to worry. Certain medical procedures may continue, but only without the use of local anesthetics unless you are interested in a vasectomy for your male partner. 

Doesn’t this sound fun?