Buzzkill: Top 10 Worst Things About Senior Year

Just when you thought you had seen the reign of Buzzkill come to a sentimental close, here we are.

Now, although I probably have a bit of explaining to do to compensate for the 6-month hiatus pushed upon my witty Top 10 lists that you all adore, would you believe me if I told you that this personal breakthrough in content was actually inspired by the enemy itself?

Here’s a little background: With only 6 treacherous weeks left until graduation, I find myself reflecting on a similar rut that nearly all soon to be graduates find themselves lost in – a classic case of senioritis. However, looking back on how I’ve chosen to spend my free time from the start of the school year, (AKA looking at apartments halfway across the country, booking summer flights to distant lands, shopping for shoes that match my cap and gown, etc,) I fear that my diagnosis was promptly premature, by about 8 months.

So, as an admittedly self-proclaimed expert in senioritis, as well as just a teenage girl who can’t seem to wait a minute longer to escape the facade of high school in America, what better way to close this chapter of Buzzkills than to highlight the most dreadful, soul-crushing parts of senior year in true Buzzkill fashion?

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, I present the top 10 worst things about senior year, as curated by a high school senior.

1. SAT sciatica

Sure, this may as well just be a clever play on words, but it could also very well be a genuine condition. In most cases, SAT Sciatica begins to show signs of initial development around the age of 16 to 17, though it has even been reported in students as young as 14, depending on how much academic trauma a victim carries. Reaching its peak around the start of senior year, while the condition certainly isn’t deadly, it does tend to have residual symptoms remaining for years after the initial diagnosis. Most students report minor complications such as severe scoliosis as students continue to sit through hours of testing, only to see an increase of about 5 points each time they pay $70 for another miserable 4 hours. Again, this is a standardized test, not a GroupOn Eras Tour.

2. The constant sense of impending doom

On a lighter note, remember that feeling in your stomach when the principal would walk into the class silently, only exchanging an apprehensive glare with the teacher as everyone sat silently awaiting a lecture with no clear objective? If that feeling could be bottled, teen drinking would have an entirely different meaning. Somewhere down the line, the feeling of relief upon submitting that final Commonapp turns into the dread of anticipation. Then, that anticipation turns to crippling anxiety, as I find myself googling the admittance statistics dating back to a particular school’s establishment in 1897, just to be safe. What ever happened to the good old days, when college decisions were simply a matter of which school colors best matched your complexion, and whose dining hall would be least likely to hospitalize you with food poisoning?

3. Dating

While this originally wasn’t a territory I was planning on crossing into, considering my audience, why not light this candle?

Strictly observing, I’ve had 4 years to figure out how modern dating is supposed to play out. Nevertheless, it seems that we are always left stranded, each time a bit more embarrassed than the last. Looking strictly at the surface material on hand, can you blame our generation for our dumbfoundedness at the hands of romance? Nowadays, what is a high school sweetheart, if not an excuse to obtain some type of predetermined social acceptance? What is a “promposal,” if not a free ride to prom? What is young love, if not another nauseating set of standards to hyperfixate on during the rest of our time here?

Too poetic? Hm, maybe a lone, unclear emoji would better convey my emotions in true Gen-Z style.

4. Deciphering future plans

While we’re still on the subject of the unknown, I feel the need to address a crucial point. No matter how self-assured a student may seem, I don’t know a single 18 year old who enjoys ceaseless questions about their future plans. As far as I’m concerned, as long as I’m still living to attend all of the concerts I impulsively bought tickets for months ahead, my future will be just fine. May I also point out that this entire genre of small talk is not only terribly unoriginal, excruciatingly draining as well? Coming from someone who expected to be studying fashion in Italy at one point, who says that tomorrow I won’t gain an obsession with Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar and change my major to aerospace engineering? I’m perfectly satisfied feeding my delusions myself, thank you.

5. Unpaid Labor

So let me get this straight. You’re asking me to leave the comfort of my bed for 7 hours, complete an abundance of side quests, AND socialize without an hourly wage? Because most of us are now legally adults, let’s all be mature about this, and negotiate a starting pay. Or, I guess at this point, it’s technically an ending pay, ‘cause it’s been a long 4 years.

6. Growing Old

Yesterday, as I was spending my usual 45 minutes staring into my magnified mirror analyzing each and every pore on my face, I came face to face with my first gray hair. Now, while I’m certainly not on the same pace as an elder like Scalia, is this how it all ends, just as quickly as it began? One day you register to vote, then the next, you begin the slow, mournful transition into a founding father. I guess they don’t call it senior year for nothing.

7. Social Media

I now understand why celebrities hire social media managers.

Because I’m so much better than everyone else, I recently went on quite the intense spiritual growth journey, and permanently deleted Snapchat.

Though it was a bittersweet goodbye, it was something that I knew had to be done. I had said my final goodbyes, wished my peers well, and pressed the bolded letters, wiping years of memories clean. To be fair, most of said memories were just excruciatingly embarrassing videos from my prime back in middle school, but still, I sincerely feel that it served as a much needed step in my mental maturity. I mean, why wait for your frontal lobe to develop, when you can just delete Snapchat instead?

My intolerance towards social media began just a few months ago, when I made the defining realization that I was bored with my life. Typical high school senior move, I know, but after a quick look at my daily screen time, it became pretty clear that I actually had a problem. So, by kissing a single app goodbye, I no longer subject myself to the stress of worrying about what I post, when I post, and who enjoys it. Sure, some may call it selfish, but I call it self-care.

(Also, at what age do we actually delete our social accounts, or do we just naturally become the very thing we make fun of?)

8. Financing

Maybe I am getting old, but I remember the days when money was nothing more than an incentive to clean your room, or to yank out a few loose teeth. Nowadays, much like reliving traumatic memories from Algebra 1, simple numbers have turned into letters. What even is a FAFSA? The IRS? Is W-4 a formula that I missed?

9. Trying new things

“If I’ve been getting the same Subway order since I was seven years old, what makes you think that I’m going to want to try a new sport with 3 months left of high school?” – a direct text from my phone sent about one week before I joined the track team.

While I might be a bit hypocritical here, senior year truly has a gift for forcing you to appreciate the abundance of opportunities at your fingertips. Personally speaking, I’d have laughed in the face of whoever told me that I would join the cheerleading and track teams my senior year, imagining it as a cruel prank. Now, I’ll spare the sappy “wish I could do it all over again” act, and share things exactly as they are – do I think that it’s great to give new activities a shot while you still can? Of course. However, is it going to be worth adding yet another layer of stress to the most chaotic portion of the year? Maybe not. Besides, if the memories don’t do it for you, the everlasting bruises from knocking the hurdles over one time probably will.