Buzzkill: Top 10 Strangest Wikihow Articles


Annabelle Frazer, Features Editor

Let’s be honest, we’ve all had to humble ourselves and google a Wikihow article at least once in our lives.

Whether it be for tips for cleaning up suspicious spills, dance moves that seem oddly hazardous, or just pure entertainment, Wikihow has, and always will be there to help us navigate all the unknowns life throws at us. But then again, every once in a while, amongst pages and pages of genuinely helpful articles, there’s always one that appears, making you think, “someone really asked this?” 

So, earlier today, as I ventured into the foreign terrain of Wikihow, I took note of some of the most absurd articles I could find. (Pro-tip: if you see an article in this list that genuinely interests you, aside from considering seeking psychological help, make sure to at least close the tab after you are finish reading, so that your middle-school crush doesn’t peer over your shoulder only to find you reading an article on how to have your first kiss.) Anyways, enjoy!

1. How To Calculate Pi By Throwing Frozen Hotdogs


You know, for the moment you realize you forgot to bring a calculator to class on the day of the exam. Quick question though, why do they have to be frozen hotdogs? Could they be grilled? What about microwaved, or even boiled? Also, do they have to be hotdogs? Or will chorizo work too? 

2. How To Buy Nothing


Honestly, people tend to really underestimate the difficulty of purchasing absolutely nothing. First, you have to make the (very financially wise) decision to buy nothing, and then buy nothing. It’s a pretty exhausting, but extremely rewarding process. Plus, it makes the perfect gift for that one cousin that you kind of know well enough to sit next to, but wonder if hugging them is too far across the line. And in the end, you’ll have absolutely nothing to worry about! Pun fully intended.

3. How To Shower With A Lemon


When life gives you lemons…shower with them?

Now, when they say shower, do they mean simply rinsing your hair and body with the juice, or is this a how-to on the beginning of some strange romance that would most likely end up on a TLC special? Either way, this is certainly an interesting approach to lemonade. Now let’s just hope they don’t charge $5 for a cup on the side of the intersection.

4. How To Breathe


If you happen to be going about your day, enjoying some delectable peanut butter pie, only to remember that your friend Jeffrey is severely allergic to nuts, what do you do? Well, after the anaphylaxis kicks in, it’s important to remain calm, and act quickly. Forget about the ambulance, Epipen, or even mouth-to-mouth. Instead, pick up the phone, and google the nearest ER. Then, completely ignore that last step, and instead google this Wikihow article. If Jeffrey happens to still be conscious, read it to him, and I’m sure that’ll do the trick. Just keep breathing, Jeffrey. It can’t be that difficult, right?

5. How To Apologize To A Cat


Despite what you’re probably already thinking, this one actually IS useful. Take it from someone with five cats and one very, very sensitive dog. Having just recently found out that cats can in fact become offended, all those dirty looks when I take the food bowls away have started to make sense. Also – in case you’re still not convinced that this article is useful, I thought I’d just share the fact that it’s been visited 558,403 times. 

6. How To Prevent Or Survive A Monkey Attack


Did George get a little too curious? Or did someone steal that man’s yellow hat? 

Either way, how about we just don’t mess with primates? Have we learned nothing from Planet of the Apes?

7. How To Follow Someone On An Empty Street


AKA Stalking 101. AKA Social Rejection 101. AKA How to Become A Convicted Felon 101. Also, this article appears to have been taken down. I guess that’s a good thing?

8. How To Urinate In The Ocean Discreetly 


Just…go in the ocean? Maybe I’m exposing myself here, but with the trillions of gallons of water dumped into the ocean, combined with all the litter, dead wildlife, and god knows what else, is a little yellow really going to make a difference? I mean, maybe don’t go directly next to somebody, but as the guide clearly states, it’s a discreet guide. Plus, what other options do you really have? When those twelve piña coladas start to catch up with you during the beach volleyball match, what are you supposed to do? Wait 10 minutes in line, or simply sprint into the endless abyss of all toilets? 

Actually, I’m starting to gross myself out. Let’s move on. 

9. How To Determine If You Are Addicted To Wearing Diapers As An Adult


First step: Consider if you have a genuine reason to be investing in adult diapers. 

Second step: Review the first step, and if not, then you seem to have your answer. 

10. How To Stop An Adult Diaper Addiction


Just in case you read the previous article and determined that you do in fact have a problem. 

I’m not sure if it’s because it’s 9 AM, or if I’m just at a loss for words, but I literally can’t come up with any more input to add to this. So, with that, consider reading these incredibly oddball articles that someone was actually paid to write. Or, you could consider reading our previous Buzzkills, which we unfortunately do not get paid to write. *Ahem, Scalia.* Anyways, the choice is yours. Make it wisely.