We all know the feeling.

The ecstatic spark that once brought two souls together seems to be dimming in the wind. Maybe it’s the stress, conflicting schedules, or the fact that they still call their mother “mommy” above the age of twelve. Whatever it is, something clearly isn’t working. Now, you must make the irreversible decision to break things off. 

But before the sweet relief of being newly single comes breezing by,  it’s important to make a (rather tasteful) decision on how exactly it is that you are going to get the message across, and make it clear that you two are “never, ever, getting back together.” 

So, here’s how to successfully end a relationship, and ensure that the special (or not so special) person will by no means hold any future interest in a relationship with you, romantic or not. It’s a win/win!

1. Send them a text.

Now that you’ve decided that the right choice for you is to move forward, what better way to end things with your partner than a casual text message? Not only is this tactic extremely heartfelt, but it also provides added protection against the risk of confrontation and responsibility. Bonus points if the ending relationship has lasted more than a year. 

2. Tell them, “It’s not you, it’s me.” 

Ah, the classic. Nothing says “I’m an immature, emotionally unavailable lover” like this universal line. It’s fully understandable that external conflicts can arise in relationships, but do the Eagles losing the Superbowl this year really count? Also, if it wasn’t already blatantly obvious, of course it’s not me. I’m never the problem. Alright chief, I’m out on this one. 

3. Leave them a note.

Well, now that it’s been decided that you are no longer suitable for a relationship with this specific person, what’s classier than breaking their heart on a wrinkled piece of textbook paper? It’s perfect – there’s no need to stress over the consequences of ruining their day in person, and it’s about as low-effort as breakups come. If you really want to make an impact, be sure to unevenly fold it and write their name in sloppy red ink on the front for added dramatic effect. A sure throwback to the middle school cafeteria, this tactic never fails to deter any future suitors. 

4. Dump them in public. 

“Hey honey, let’s dress in our best clothes, have a picnic on the beach, and go dine at our favorite restaurant. Then, as soon as the waiter brings the extremely pricey bill composed of all the appetizers I ordered, I’ll dump you and walk out.” 

Even better if the news results in a screaming match while families are enjoying their chicken parmesan. 

5. Dump them on a holiday.

Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Easter, the list goes on. Out of the many, many holidays celebrated in the world, I can’t think of a single one which would make a decent excuse to end a relationship. While birthdays and anniversaries take an obvious first place, can you imagine getting dumped on April Fool’s? Not only would the hackneyed holiday serve as an annual reminder of the day things ended between you and “the one,” but how do you go about explaining the fact that the break up isn’t a prank? Poor timing. 

6. “I just need some space.”

While I’m not a licensed relationship therapist, I know for a fact that this is (most of the time) an excuse for a larger issue that either can’t be introduced, or has been introduced, but hasn’t improved. Either way, this is a terrible and incredibly overused line. Remember, you’re dumping someone, not starring as the popular ex-boyfriend in some 2000’s Disney Channel original. 

7. Get destructive. 

Let me guess – someone listened to a little too much Carrie Underwood in middle school. Aside from the bricks flying through bathroom windows, the punctures in car seats, and graffiti on front doors, how about some anger management courses? I’m sure whoever’s at fault will get the message by now. 

8. Dump them in front of their family. 

Was family bingo night a little boring this year? Why not spice things up by spontaneously snapping the knot with the only partner your family has genuinely liked, right on their own sofa. Then, next time you see their parents scavenging through tomatoes in the grocery store, be prepared to give a thousand excuses as to why you ducked behind the mounds of toilet paper. Even better, be sure to engage in some incredibly uncomfortable small talk when all but one checkout lane is closed. Monopoly night will never be the same. 

9. Start dating someone else.

Aside from completely obliterating your reputation whilst incinerating any chance of reconciliation after a breakup, this is a pretty solid method! I mean, what better way to prove how cowardly, craven, and chicken-hearted you are than ending a relationship by “holding hands” with a different partner? Even better, always try to ensure that the other “friend” is someone they know personally. That’ll show ‘em. And as the word never fails to travel at the speed of light, I’m sure you’ll have a line out your door of potential suitors longing for a faithful and worthy lover. 

10. Ghost them. 

Miraculously, ghosting is widely considered to be worse than cheating. Exactly how – I’m still not certain. But hey, welcome to the twenty-first century! Sure, completely ignoring someone’s messages and deleting their number until they eventually stop contacting you is a completely painless strategy, which demonstrates a level of maturity far greater than a simple phone call or picnic. After all, it speaks for itself, right? Now time to dream up an elaborate tale of how you were drafted for the “Hawaiian military” and abducted by aliens amidst the process, just to have an excuse for falling off the face of the earth. 

Actually, I’m sorry. I just don’t think this is going to work out. I’ll catch you on the next Buzzkill, though.