Buzzkill: Top 10 Worst Things About Visiting The Fair

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Annabelle Frazer, Features Editor

With the county fair back in town, it’s once again that time where parents rip their hair out of their heads as they try to track down their rabid pack of children, and determined middle-schoolers scope out their crushes from atop the ferris wheel. As it turns out, times have changed since our early childhoods, when fairs seemed nothing more than wonderlands of colorful lights, endless prizes, and death defying rides to conquer. Nowadays, instead of a riveting night full of adventure, the only rewards a day at the fair seems to provide are a bunch of empty wallets, nausea, and thrown out backs. Who knows – maybe I’m just getting old. 

But hey, what better way to celebrate the return of the fairgrounds than writing a list of all the terrible things about them? With that rather pretentious statement, I present ten of the absolute worst experiences accompanied by the fair. But trust me, the list could go on forever. 

 

1. Cramped parking 

 

First impressions are crucial. As far as fair parking goes, they blow it. 

Not only must you pay $5 to even enter the absolute war zone of a parking lot, but it’s also guaranteed that as soon as you eventually find a spot that isn’t a 15 minute walk from the entrance, a Karen and her five children loaded in a silver mom-van will completely cut you off, squeezing her way right into your spot. It’s safe to say that security would have to be called before we’d even make it to the ticket booth. 

 

2. Overpriced tickets/wristbands 

 

 

Speaking of ticket booths, why must we pay $15 dollars to get into the gates, just to have to pay another $50 to be able to ride some metal death traps built by anyone but professionals? Honestly, just take my wallet and go – it’ll probably fall out of my pocket on some rickety ride anyways.

 

3. Poor cell-service

 

Just about any horror film connoisseur could tell you the two things that never make a positive pair in a sketchy situation are nothing other than a lack of cell-service and being in the middle of nowhere. Funny enough, that’s exactly what the fair is all about. Not only do you have to drive a good half-hour into the middle of cow fields and power-plants, but as soon as you arrive, good luck contacting anyone outside of a 10-foot radius. Let’s hope you aren’t planning on meeting up with friends, unless you all previously established that you’re all to meet beside the vomit-trash can. 

 

4. Overly-fried foods

 

You know what’s wrong with Oreos? The fact that they aren’t battered in gooey dough and plummeted into a bubble bath of fat, grease, and enough calories to feed a horse for a week straight. How is it possible to offer hundreds of items, and not one of them look the slightest bit appetizing? I guess they’re heavily profiting off the idea that it’ll all  eventually make its way back up anyways. 

5. Sketchy vendors

 

From the dead-hang challenge that spins the bar one minute in, to the gigantic hammer and bell, are half of these “games” just chances for emasculated guys to prove themselves to their dates? 

All jokes aside, I bet these games were pretty entertaining back in 1978, when they didn’t charge you $5 each time you threw the ball. Also, just a slight tip in case anyone plans a future career as a carnival worker – maybe don’t try to entice customers by shouting at them to play your game. Believe it or not, nobody willingly puts up with creepy workers breathing down our necks whilst giving us “tips” on how to score a plushie which very faintly resembles Peppa Pig.

 

6. Depressing petting zoos

 

Are the bone-dry hand sanitizer dispensers a red flag? I can never tell, probably because I’ve never stepped closer than 5 feet away from one of those crowded and overwhelmingly fetid barns. While I may not be a farm girl, I certainly know enough about humane living conditions to recognize that the whole concept of carnival petting zoos practically scream for someone to call PETA. Seriously, someone should probably investigate that. 

 

7. Stray children.

 

Between the deep-fried Twinkies and the pirate ship that nobody warned me would perform a complete 360, everyone’s already on the verge of losing their dinner. The last thing we need is screaming children weaving through our legs as we try to make our way to the nearest trash cans. 

 

8. Obnoxious live music

 

Does anyone genuinely listen to the live fair performances, or are they just a great distraction from the pungent aroma of burnt oil permeating the air? If it were up to me, I’d say ditch the “aspiring artists” and their lousy Tom Petty covers. But you know what they say: everyone’s gotta start somewhere, right? 

 

9. Gnarly bathrooms

 

Now that an entire 64 ounce tub of fresh lemonade has been gulped down in the span of twenty minutes, where are the nearest restrooms? 

Unless you are willing to wait 30 minutes in line just for the tile floor to be covered in what (you hope) is more lemonade, it’s time to say hello to the classic port-a-potty. I’ve always wondered – has anyone ever had the blessing of being the first to use a completely new port-a-potty? Or do they all automatically come leaking the scent of a rotting carcass with questionable substances all over the inside?

 

10. Suspicious rides

 

“Is this ride safe?” 

Even the workers hardly know the answer. Nonetheless, we never fail to convince ourselves that we’ll make it out alive, and strap into that brittle harness. As long as the yellow tab is still there, it should be fine, right?

Nowadays, looking back on some of the contraptions I’ve stepped foot on, I’m surprised I’ve even lived to write this Buzzkill.