Happy mid-terms! While everyone squirms in their seats waiting for the quarter to finally come to a close, and begging their teachers to slightly curve their D’s up to A’s, sweet relief is on the horizon – spring break. 

While you may think you’re a pro when it comes to sleeping in, getting brunch, and biking around the beach, when it comes to vacations, it’s a whole new ballpark. So, how can you avoid looking like a total tourist on your trip? Well, luckily for you, I’ve concluded a comprehensive guide with all of the knowledge you need to know, so that your bright pink bucket hat isn’t too much of a giveaway. Good luck out there. 

1. Over-pack.

Listen, I know you think that the pink and green Hawaiian shirt your mom got you in 2015 will be the epitome of fashion in whatever sunny, tropical destination you desire, but do you really need another bag? Unless you’re color blind, there is no excuse for packing five of the exact same shirts for a three day vacation. Seriously, that $50 carry-on fee isn’t worth the excessive judgment from your co-travelers. 

2. Rent a mansion with your friends.

A bunch of energetic young adults together in a huge, luxurious, and outrageously pricey house. What could go wrong?

If you haven’t already blown out your entire budget on the 4 story beach house complete with Japanese toilets that talk, don’t even think about going out to dinner or purchasing beach passes. I’m sure the 7/11 down the road has some amazing Top Ramen selections. Instead of cruising on the beach contemplating the decisions that have led you to this mistake, you can instead spend your time within the automatic doors of your overpriced mansion playing fun board games to decide who’s paying the liability for the broken window. 

3. Rent golf carts.

Wow, nothing like going a whopping twenty-five miles per hour on the busiest road in the middle of downtown! What a wonderful world golf-cart owners live in. Seat belts, passenger limits, and driver’s licenses are non-existent! Pro-tip: if you’d like to ensure that everyone trailing behind your cart screams obscenities from behind their wheel, make sure to have your five sun-burnt children in bucket hats stare down the other drivers from the back seat, and point at every single mailbox in sight. 

4. Spend the entire day tanning. 

If you’ve got a burning passion for collecting over-priced tanning lotions and calling your dermatologist crying every time you see a new freckle, this is the perfect time to spend ten consecutive hours in direct sunlight while lines of people wait for your chairs and towels. Because tanning is arguably the most boring activity to ever exist, I suggest dragging the largest speaker you could legally buy to the beach with you, so that everyone else within a 5 mile radius can enjoy your “beach-vibe pop” playlist too. Just make sure to crank up the volume when “Hooked On A Feeling” comes on, so all the middle-age dads can have a break from the screams of their sweaty children for a blissful two minutes and forty-eight seconds. 

5. Fall for vendor scams.

Alright, here’s a free lesson in common sense. 

If a strange man approaches you with a necklace he claims to have been found in a four-hundred year old shipwreck, what do you do? Correct! You let him put it on your neck. Now, once this complete stranger has placed this cheap necklace on you, and you realize your wallet has disappeared from your back pocket, what’s your next move? Exactly! Move on, and assume you probably dropped it along the way. Just remember to give the necklace back, or things are going to get really ugly, really quickly. 

6. Trolley tours.

Absolutely nothing screams “I’m an ignorant tourist whose feet hurt” more than a trolley tour. Luxuriously passing by old-people eating, fry-cooks tossing out the garbage into dumpsters, and wild animals dodging the gigantic bus, what better way is there to spend a sunny afternoon? Also, who could forget the conductor with the giant megaphone screaming for the rowdy group of teenagers throwing Doritos out of the windows to get off at the next stop. 

7. Eat random street food.

No, I’m not talking about food trucks, free samples, or grilled chicken on a stick. By “random street food” I’m referring to the suspicious jello-cups random birthday parties will practically throw at you, and the “fresh” oysters sold by an old guy and his parrot over a dilapidated seawall. Seriously, unless you grow especially fond of the talking toilet in your high-tech AirBnB, stay away from anything given to you by a person who looks as if they’re on the verge of hurling themselves. 

8. Forget sunscreen.

Oh no! Your $38 bottle of fancy mineral sunscreen exploded on the plane. Well, instead of buying more once you reach your destination, just assume that you’ll instead gain a natural glow, and go without it. Have fun explaining to your friends why you have to soak in the bathtub with two bags of ice and a gallon of aloe-vera gel when they ask to go out for lunch the next day. 

9. Flirt with random locals.

Because all of the best love stories begin in the line of a drug-store while waiting to buy the deodorant you forgot to pack. 

Seriously, what’s the point? You two meet, flirt for a total of 3 days, decide you’re their soulmate, then ghost each other immediately upon arriving back home. Let’s be honest, I’ve seen sixth-graders with more game than that. Also, should we not mention how your friends will inevitably use this situationship against you for the rest of your life? 

10. State competitions/conventions.

What better way to spend your limited time away from school, than with students and teachers from school? As if the awkward assemblies and school-rivalry tension isn’t bad enough, why is it that all state competitions and conventions insist on taking up the entirety of spring break? We get it, nobody thinks that mathletes have genuine lives outside of calculus homework, but come on! Have some sympathy. 

Happy spring break!