Ah, yes. The art of small talk. Mainly used to avoid the perpetual doom known as awkward silence, you either love it or deeply, deeply, hate it. 

Whether it be Uber trips, waiting rooms, or concerningly long elevator rides, the need for small talk tends to inevitably creep up on the best of us. And while it can be incredibly painful to sit through twenty minutes of blabbering about a stranger’s recent unfavorable experience at a Ford dealership, given many individuals prefer to socialize in public, it’s pretty much unavoidable. So, for your convenience, I’ve comprised the perfect list of small-talk topics to avoid at all costs, unless, of course, you crave obvious tension and discomfort. 

1. Romantic relationships 

“Are you married?” 

“Is that an engagement ring?”

“You must have boys falling all over you.”

First of all, gross. We’re in line to get coffee, not meet a royal prince. While simple questions like these seem completely harmless in theory, they tend to float just a little too close to the sun. Just wait until a quick catch-up on an old friend’s husband turns into thirty minutes of insatiable couples-therapy, minus the couple. Then of course, if the conversation stays on the topic of romance a bit too long, there’s the dreadful task of deciphering whether or not you are being uncomfortably hit on by someone whose social skills are equally as terrible as their stealth. 

2. Family relationships

Now what could go wrong with asking about someone’s family? 

Yes, it’s a kind and considerate way to show someone that you still care enough about them to remember the littlest details of their life, including their mother’s first name. But it’s also a great way to learn about last night’s freak accident, where grandma reportedly lost an ear, and the family dog robbed a bank and is facing some serious jail time. Yeah, that wound is probably still pretty sore, so it’s best to leave the chit-chat to the upcoming Met-Gala theme, or whatever new salad the Kardashian family seems to be into today. 

3. Age and appearance

If you’ve already made the blunder of a lovely young woman “ma’am”, it’s time to pull out the good ol’ “You don’t look a day over 21.” Then, be sure to give her plenty of compliments, and awkwardly laugh it off until the humiliation and panic subsides. (But don’t give too many compliments. You don’t want to make it obvious that you’re clearly compensating for your blatant misjudgement. You also don’t want to come off as a total weirdo, but hey, it is Florida.) 

4. Politics and religion

Is an explanation really necessary? 

5. “It’s so hot out!”

Wow, is it really? Thank you, I honestly had no clue. It’s not like we live in Florida, where the only time the weather changes is a CAT 5 hurricane. I’ll make sure to soak in that blazing 95 degree heat today, just like the day before, and the day before, and the day before.

6. Anything to do with history

No, casual conversations about historical events and figures don’t have any catastrophic consequences, but they are just so, so, incredibly boring. They’re like an extremely, extremely sensitive tripwire – you mention one single detail of a Hawaiian vacation you’re daydreaming of, and the conversation soon spirals into exhaustingly repetitive lessons on the erosion and sedimentation which composes the beaches on the northwest corner of Honolulu, which indirectly produces invasi…you know what? I’m already bored of typing this. You get the idea.

7. “You look like someone I used to know…”

Oh, really? Who? (And don’t say your ex-girlfriend, or your older sister’s friend, or your elementary school teacher, or your Uber driver from two weeks ago, or your old roommate from college, or your late ex-wife, or your manager, or your therapist.) Trust me, I’ve heard it all. 

8. Celebrity gossip

I know I previously said to change the subject to the Kardashian’s latest salad obsession, but seriously? That should be a last resort. With the constant invasion of privacy through pop-culture, I’m sure everyone is tired of the constant over-exaggerated headlines infesting news-outlets covering which stuck-up supermodel is dating which egotistical rock star this week. And for the record, nobody wants to eavesdrop on all the juicy details of Harry Style’s most recent PDA. Or, at least not in public. 

9. Sports 

This is a Starbucks, not ESPN. Go back to your man-cave. Also, there’s coffee spilled all over your Amazon.com jersey. 

10. “When are you due?”

“I’m not pregnant.” 

This is one of those rare times in life when your only solution is to dig a large hole in the ground, crawl in it, and never come out. 

Since it seems that it’s going to be a long recovery after this unintentional, yet incredibly insulting move, I’ll be sure to give you time to contemplate every aspect of your life which ultimately led you to this moment. With that being said, I’ll see you on the next Buzzkill.